


he shouldn't have heard

by fictionalrobin



Series: bulimic!Magnus [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bulimia, Discrimination Against Downworlders, Eating Disorders, M/M, My OC is an asshole, Protective Alec Lightwood, Racism, Relapsing, Sadness, Sequel, Vomiting, and other fun stuff, bulimic Magnus, graphic description of bulimia, read he shouldnt have seen first, this took way too long to post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 02:01:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12665997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: sequel to my fic "he shouldn't have seen"magnus relapses. thats the plot sry i dont do summaries.(trigger warning: bulimia)





	1. Chapter 1

It'd started as a great day. 

Magnus had woken up thinking just that. Thinking 'this is gonna be a great day' 

To start with, he'd woken up early, feeling refreshed, and Alec for once in a life time didn't have a morning meeting, or any last minute emergencies to attend to and therefore didn't have work for another two hours. Though this might mean he'd be home a bit later than planned, it also meant lots of morning cuddles and shower sex, which were admittedly two of Magnus's favorite thing. 

And to top it all of, he ate his breakfast. He ate it with a smile on his face, not a single nasty or degrading thought passing through his mind, which was extremely rare. Though he'd managed to keep food down for about a month now, swallowing it in the first place could still be an issue. 

But not today 

Today was a great day, which meant he could do anything. 

Even if that meant eating a bowl of cheerios 

So he ate his cereal, kissed his boyfriend goodbye, did his hair and make up (it looked flawless if he would say so himself, and even matched his outfit quite nicely) and went to check the first name off of his pleasantly short list of costumers. 

He was in the middle of cleaning up after his second costumer, when he got the call. A young shadowhunter girl had gotten into a fight with a warlock at the hunters moon, and he'd apparently used some type of new, foreign curse, none of the institute's healers had ever seen, and they therefore needed his help. 

That was why he was currently headed down the clammy corridors to the infirmary, a bag of supplies loosely hanging by his side. Suddenly he heard a shouting coming from room 4b. At first it sounded like shouts of pain, but when he hurried closer, he discovered it to be words. 

"no!" 

"Erin-" 

"I said no!" 

Magnus peeked through the door, discovering a tiny female figure sitting on a bed with her arms crossed, glaring very angrily at two healers. She wasn't tiny as in underweight or young, though she appeared to only be in her teens, with broad shoulders and muscular arms, all covered in runes. 

Despite her defiant expression, it was clear that she wasn't well. Thin green lines stretched across her pale skin like cobwebs, and her eyelids were constantly fluttering over the massive grey eyes, as if they were having trouble focusing on the world. 

"Erin please, just lie down." One of the healers attempted to calm her. 

"are you deaf?! I said no!"She furiously responded, fighting as the other healer tried to force her down on the mattress. 

"you need to relax sweet heart." The second healer shushed her. 

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" 

Magnus took a step back at her sudden outburst. 

"I'm sorry, but you really need to calm down," they apologized. 

"no, I will not 'calm down'," the girl snarled, "I know that you brought in one of those disgusting warlocks to look at me!" 

Magnus froze. It'd been a long time since anyone had called him disgusting, at least out loud, and now that it happened, his entire body went stiff, and his throat clocked up, making it impossible to breath. He tried to swallow the blocking and breathed through his nose to calm himself. 

A shocked whisper ran between the two healers, before one of them turned to the stubborn girl. 

"Erin, just-" they began, but then gave up a tired sigh,"we'll bring in the silent brothers then." 

The girl nodded, apparantly satisfied with this solution, and leaned back into the hospital sheets. 

Magnus didn't know what to do. His entire body was still stuck, unable to move and he didn't know what to do. A sour feeling had settled in his gut, turning his insides, threatening to spill them. 

Disgusting 

The girls words rattled around his brain. 

He was overreacting. He knew he was. One tiny comment shouldn't effect him this much. 

Weak 

An ice cold shiver ran through him at that familiar voice at the back of his skull, the one that was colored green and brown and made him feel like a thousand ton iron ball was tied around his heart. 

Only an oversensitive baby gets affected by one tiny comment. 

He jerked, desperately snapping himself out of the frozen state he'd been trapped in, and speedwalked down the hall in an attempt to get away from the clammy thoughts. 

This is nothing. He's okay, he's okay, this is just a tiny incident that doesn't matter, he's fine. 

But no matter how fast he walks the thoughts won't loosen their grip, and now ropes are tightening around his throat. 

He needs to make it stop, everything just has to stop. 

And you know exactly how to make that happen 

The green voice wraps around his thoughts like poison vine. 

He knows he shouldn't do it. He knows this will ruin weeks of hard work and send him straight back to square one. But he doesn't care. 

All he's focused on is just making it stop.


	2. Chapter 2

He franticly locked the door, thanking god that the institute had private bathrooms instead of those public stalls, before he fell to his knees and smacked the toilet board open. 

He pushed two fingers all the way back into his throat, waiting for the sour taste of vomit to fill his nose, but nothing happened nothing fucking happened, and he doesn't know wether to laugh or cry, because after all these years of course his gagging reflex is absolutely destroyed. 

He's about to give up when finally his fingers hit something, and vomit burned it's way up his throat, taking the dark voices with it down into the toilet bowl. 

He coughs and gags, spits and heaves, clenching the porcelain bowl in support as his infamous breakfast worked it's way up and out his mouth. 

Afterwards, he shakingly flushed, leaning back against the wall in exhaustion. In a few blissful moments, everything is quite and comfortable, and he feels warm and relaxed, like a giant weight had just been lifted off his shoulders and replaced by a warm blanket, before guilt hits him like a giant fist in the face, shattering his afterglow and using the sharp leftover pieces to cut into his skin. 

Oh god. 

What had he done? 

The weight of his actions hammered down on him, making him curl into a tight bowl on the bathroom floor, shaking as silent tears maked their way down his cheeks. 

This ruins everything. 

Was he really so weak, that only a few words from a stupid teenage girl could make him snap? 

Pathetic 

He silently started rocking back and forwards, starring blankly at the wall with blurry vision. He doesn't know how long he stays there, shaking and crying on the bathroom floor. Time felt distant and out of place, like he wasn't fully in this dimension, but eventually he managed to push himself off the ground. 

His hands were still violently shaking, making it difficult to turn on the water. His hand slipped on the tap three times and he let out a strangled sob before the water finally streams out of the faucet. He washed his mouth and fingers, trying his best to fix his runny make up. 

What would Alec say? 

Oh god what would Alec say? 

He was gonna be so angry with him. 

He'd been doing so well and now it's all ruined. 

Magnus starred at the running water stream, clenching his jar as he tried his best not to start crying again. He took a deep breath, turned towards the locked door, and hesitantly opens it. 

And almost cries. 

Because right there in the hallway, stood Alec, calmly talking to a guard. 

He was about to sprint away, when the bathroom door slammed behind him, causing Alec to look up and make eye contact. 

Magnus felt trapped, like a child caught stealing candy, and Alec must've sensed it in his panicked stare, because now he was headed straight towards him. Magnus involuntarily stepped backwards, pressing himself against the wall, eyes flickering back and forwards between the hallway to the exit and Alec. 

"Magnus?" 

He's gonna be angry. 

"hey, are you okay?" 

He's gonna hate you 

"yes, yes, I'm fine," his voice didn't sound convincing at all, and he knows it from the way Alec's eyebrows twitch. 

"are you sure?" 

He tried to reply, but all that came out was a stuttering hum. 

"you-" suddenly Alec's eyes fell on the bathroom door behind him,"Magnus..." It was barely a breath. 

He knew 

Magnus felt his entire body tremble in terror, because he knew. 

"oh Magnus," he heard the disappointment loud and clearly in Alec's voice, and it seeped like a poison into his mind, burning his eyes. 

Don't cry don't cry don't cry. 

He starred down at his shaking hands, as if he could somehow make the trembling stop simply with the power of his mind. 

"hey," 

He prepared himself to get yelled at. To get told what a pathetic piece of shit he was. 

"hey, look at me," 

Suddenly Alec's hand was cupping his chin, lifting his gaze to meet Alec's gaze. He was taken aback by the stern expression on Alec's face. 

"I-I'm sorry," Magnus muttered, making Alec shake his head. 

"no, no, no, it's okay, you don't need to apologize, it's not your fault." 

Magnus hesitated. 

"so...you're not mad?" 

Alec looked like Magnus had just punched him. 

"what?" 

"I-I thought..." Magnus didn't finish the sentence, before tears suddenly made their way down his face,"I thought..." 

"no, no, baby,"Alec's hands carefully slipped around his waist, pulling him into a hug,"I'm not mad, never, this isn't your fault." 

Magnus nodded, burying his face in Alec's neck, as Alec softly swayed them back and forwards in a calming manner. 

"wanna talk about it?"Alec murmured into his hair after a while. 

Magnus hesitated for a bit, taking a deep breath before opening up. 

"there was a girl, in the infirmary," he paused for a while, breathing in Alec's calming scent and taking his time. Alec didn't say anything, letting Magnus know he was listening. 

"she said...she called me disgusting,"Magnus quietly statted, and felt Alec tighten his grip on his waist in silent anger. 

"who? Who did that?"He whispered. 

"I-I don't know. Like I said, it was just some teenager in the infirmary,"He replyïed,"it's really nothing, but I think, I heard one of the doctors call her Erica? Or something like that..." 

Alec sighed. 

"Erin. Her name is Erin Stillsworn,"he corrected Magnus,"her parents were loyal members of the Circle, but they've both been captured and punished by the Clave. I really don't know why she hasn't gotten a similar treatment, when she's so obviously on Valentine's side,"he paused for a second,"was on Valentine's side,"he sternly stated, reminding both of them of Valentine's current state,"but that still doesn't make what she said okay. I'll make sure she gets suspended."He then announced. 

"Alec, it's fine," Magnus muttered,"I'm the one who snapped." 

Suddenly Alec pushed him away, looking directly at him with an almost furious expression. 

"shut up." 

Magnus was taken aback by the blunt order, and almost flinched. 

"shut up, don't say that, you are not allowed to think like that." 

"b-but I relapsed..." Magnus shakingly argued. 

"and that wasn't your fault, and even if it was, everyone has relapses." 

"o-okay," Magnus stuttered, stunned by Alec's outburst. 

"it doesn't matter, how many times you're knocked down. All that matters, is that you get up again and keep going." 

Magnus paused, taking in Alec's words. 

"okay," he then said. 

He meant it this time.


End file.
